Do you need a computer to get on in life?

An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says: "You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies: "Well, then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10 kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.

Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time. Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards for a pickup truck. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. 

Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: "What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!" 

After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!" 

Moral of the story: 

1: The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life. 

2: If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire. 

3: Seeing that you got this story via a computer, you're probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire. 

4: If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

The teacher's bad back

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Grounds for divorce?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's my husband. He says he can't communicate with me."

How he got rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Can you give me a push?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

The Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Caught speeding

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"

Traffic Cop: "Yes, ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding."

Older Woman: "Oh, I see."

Traffic Cop: "Can I see your license, please?"

Older Woman: "Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one."

Traffic Cop: "Don't have one?"

Older Woman: "No. I lost it four years ago for drunk driving."

Traffic Cop: "I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"

Older Woman: "I can't do that."

Traffic Cop: "Why not?"

Older Woman: "I stole this car."

Traffic Cop: "Stole it?"

Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."

Traffic Cop: "You what!?"

Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see!"

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back-up. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!"

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older Woman: "Is there a problem, sir?"

Officer 2: "My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

Older Woman: "Murdered the owner? Are you serious?"

Officer 2: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please."

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"

Older Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: "My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license."

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!"

Older Woman: "Bet the lying so-and-so told you I was speeding, too!"

Jacob and Rebecca

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding list."

Terrible, I mean terrible poetry

There was a young man from Japan
Whose poetry never would scan.
His friends told him so
And he said, "Yes, I know
But I always try to put as many words in the last line as I possibly can."

Today's Word of the Day

FLIPPANT - the wife of a dolphin's uncle.

Word Of The Day - Archive

These are a selection of my words of the day - real words with NEW meanings that I have invented and posted on Twitter daily.

BLASTOCYSTIS - use of explosives to destroy tiny parasites, (bit of overkill actually).

RSPB - what you write on party invitations when you want a reply by carrier pigeon.

CORDON BLEU - a French road block

INDULGENT - "When I stabbed that boring man, my knife was indulgent".

PROGNOSTICATE - to guess what's coming up on TV.

DECREPIT - to remove a very old French pancake.

CULTURE - bacteria in a petri dish with an appreciation of fine arts and books.

CLANDESTINE - the secret fate of a Scottish family.

NEONATAL - the name of the hero in a South African remake of The Matrix.

FRANTIC - the mark a teacher makes when having to check homework hurriedly.

EUREKA - telling your neighbour he has body odour (from The Beano 1952).

SABBATICAL - a year of Sundays.

STEWARD - complicated casserole recipe.

ARKANSAS - woodworking tool used by Noah and his sons.

CONTENT - deception that going camping is a good idea.

SHOWER - From olde English myths. When the sky god wanted to impress the earth god, he would say "I will show her".

SUPPURATE - Having eaten dinner.

SERF - someone who's enslaved by the Internet.

ICONOCLAST - the name of the final Apple Store opened in Conoc, Peru (see iConocFirst).

DIODE - Welsh loan shark.

iCHING - a type of cash register made by Apple.

TITTLE - a job description that makes you laugh, such as calling a receptionist "The Welcome".

SUBAUDITION (this is a real word!!!) - Applying to be on the underwater version of Britain's Got Talent.

RUBRIC - a procedure for solving that annoying coloured cube problem.

DEGRADE - giving a student a score between C and E.

VELOCIRAPTOR - a particularly mean-looking Italian scooter.

CONDIMENT - a trick explained by a Welshman.

FORESOOTH - olde English expression for those occasions when threesooth just weren't enough.

INHIBITION - an exhibition held behind closed doors.

BEARD - from an old pirate phrase to new recruits "Be 'ard, grow some 'air on yer face!"

LUPIN - a plant the seeds of which turn people into wolves (see LUPINE).

AMBULATORY - being walked to hospital.

WHINE - what you do if you find your bottle of Zinfandel is corked.

CULT - a young horse that has joined a strange religion. See also OCCULT - Irish version.

PIQUANT - what you need if you want 3.1416 of something.

TARE - the weight of all the oil deposited on the coast of the Gulf of Mexico.

VAPID - Very rapid, or flat out.

MORGANATIC - someone who is really, REALLY, keen on cars made by a minor British company.

REMORSE - sending a coded message of regret again.

KOAN - what is the sound of one hand... making a 3D geometric shape?

PANACHE - the pain you feel when your flamboyant cooking goes wrong.

RHAPSODIZE - ya know what I'm saying when you look at the earth/You want to enthoose over what it's worth/C'MON!!!

HETEROGENEOUS - male and female geneous (as opposed to homogeneous).

Spanish #wotd SENOR : a retired gentleman.

Italian #wotd : PORTFOLIO - a Mediterranean dockyard used for the export of leather briefcases.


POST-MORTEM - A new Fed-Ex delivery service for funeral parlors.

PENINSULA - a very isolated writing implement.

DINOSAUR - a special steak knife for cutting up REALLY old meat.

TARRY - a verb used to describe the slow dispersal of oil in the Gulf of Mexico.

DECIDUOUS - trees that made a choice to shed their leaves annually.

HAPTICS - the marks your schoolteacher put on your essay about a Thomas Hardy sonnet.

DOGGEREL - (bad) poetry written by Lassie when she embarked on a new post-rescue career.

BUXOM - Old English word for a chest that can be worth a lot in certain circumstances.

CONVENTION - the tradition amongst nuns to ignore immoral men.

OBESE - a combination of "obey" and "ease", it denotes how easy it is to do what food adverts suggest: eat, eat, eat.

BIFURCATE - purchasing a coat for a pet Sphynx.

BUSTICATE (real word!) Eating until you explode.

BEHEMOTH - this is one HUGE moth you wouldn't want to attract with a night light. Big as a hippopotamus (Job 40:15)

INCEPTION - The planning process for a new pub.

French #wotd BEAUCOUP - how the Normans described the overthrow of King Harold by archers.

ANGIOPLASTY - cosmetic surgery for one of the stars of Eastenders.

SENTIENCE - the ability to put a group of words together so that they are intelligible.

MANIFESTO - Italian word, when a horse's mane and tail are decorated for a saint's day.

IMPEDIMENTA - the name of a character in the #dconv Bible drama who's bags were always getting in the way

DISCUSSION - a debate about music.

BLAZER - a jacket that is susceptible to bursting into flames spontaneously.

CONSCIENCE - faked results from experimentation.

PALLADIAN - of Greek origin, translates as "He ain't heavy, he's my brother" .

SWEATER - someone who insists on wearing a jumper on the London Tube in summer.

SHENANIGANS - female nanigans, particularly devious ones.

INVENTORY : a ficticious list of stock in a warehouse.

Edinburgh Fringe One-liners

The top 10 festival funnies for 2010 were judged to be:

Tim Vine: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

David Gibson: "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

Emo Philips: "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

Jack Whitehall: "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

Gary Delaney: "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

John Bishop: "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

Bo Burnham: "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

Gary Delaney: "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

Robert White: "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

Gareth Richards: "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

-------------

Judges also selected some of the worst jokes of 2010's Fringe, which included:

Sara Pascoe: "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes: "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

John Luke Roberts: "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Emo Phillips: "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill: "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

Dan Antopolski: "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

And that after Dan Antopolski was the 2009 winner with: "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

More on this at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202

-----------

And now some from 2009:

Paddy Lennox: "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'"

Jack Whitehall: "I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending."
 
Marcus Brigstocke: "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

Rhod Gilbert: "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble".

Dan Antopolski: "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) : "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

Tom Wrigglesworth: "I'm on the cusp of getting married. Well, I'm engaged to be harassed."

Edward Aczel: "Machiavelli said, 'It is better to be feared than to be loved, if you cannot be both.' Something to bear in mind when you embark on internet dating."

Phil Nichol: "A lot of people say I'm egocentric – but enough about them."

Stephen Carlin: "There are so many 'failed train' announcements at stations these days. It's not rolling stock, it's laughing stock."

Celia Pacquola: "My mind is like a cement mixer. It's grey, thick and always moving."

Rhys Darby: "I don't believe in guns. Literally; I don't believe they exist."

Frank Woodley: "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."
 
Glenn Wool: "I wonder what would happen if Franz Ferdinand were assassinated?"

Stephen Grant: "I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven. Had to get an even-man in to finish it off."

Richard Herring: "Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent."

David O'Doherty: "I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be: "Thou shalt not covet they neighbour's ox, except in Scrabble".

Jimeoin: "Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was fantastic."

Using several Twitter accounts

A thought about your Twitter "audience". When you tweet, it's a good idea to think who you are writing to. Do you use Twitter to share all your thoughts with whoever might listen? What about being more precise? Can you be? Should you be?

For example, if you are a JW, and you want to tweet a witness to non-JWs, you may write a tweet referring followers to a specific page on watchtower.org, such as "What is the Bible's view of Death?". However, fellow JWs may well already know this information. So, if most of your followers are brothers, they might want to hear something about how well you got on in the ministry instead.

There is a way to write tweets for both witnessesing AND for fellow JWs. Have two separate Twitter accounts.  This is allowed, it doesn't break any rules!

You could have one account for witnessing-type tweets and you would try and get followers from non-JWs.

You could have a second account which you use for exchanging news, encouragement, etc., with JWs and you wouldn't witness using this account.
 
How can you manage this form of tweeting? Well, a lot of Twitter helper software will easily support multiple accounts, with THIS SORT OF USE in mind. I personally use Tweetdeck to manage several Twitter accounts, including some for business use. There are numerous software tools that can do the same, and an internet search will soon give you a list to work with until you find one you like the most.
 
So, onward and upwards! Enjoy tweeting, and remember your "audience".

Girlfriend 7.0 v Wife 1.0

An oldie but a goodie. Original source unknown. 

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User

====


Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 ! and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

An old Russian joke

An old Jew is sitting on a bench in Gorky Park studying a "Teach Yourself Hebrew" book. A KGB officer sits by him and demands to know what he is doing.

"I am learning the language of Heaven", he replies.

"Huh", says the KGB officer, "you should be learning the language of the OTHER place!"

The old man replies, "Actually, my son, I can already speak Russian."

The Library Chicken joke

A chicken walked into a library, went up to a librarian and said "Book! Book!" So the librarian handed the chicken a book. It put it under a wing and walked out.

A few minutes later, it returned, dropped the book it had been given and said "Book! Book!" So the librarian gave it another one and it left, only to return soon seemingly to demand a different book.

This time, tbe librarian followed the chicken out of the library. It went round the corner to a pond, where it showed the book to a frog, which promptly said "Reddit! Reddit!"

The boy who missed a day at school joke

A liitle boy in class is asked by his teacher why he was absent from school the day before.

"Sorry, Miss, I had to stay at home because my Dad got burnt."

The teacher puts her hand over her mouth and says, "Oh dear, Johnny, how awful - not badly, I hope?"

And Johnny replies, "Well, Miss, they don't mess about at the crematorium!"

BOMB DISPOSAL: A PRIMER - by Jim Stallard

A lot of people get intimidated when they have to defuse a bomb, but there's no reason it can't be a satisfying encounter. Just remind yourself that human beings have been defusing bombs for a long time, mostly with success, and there's nothing magical or supernatural about the bomb in front of you. I remember being scared to death the first time I had to tie a bow tie, and it turned out to be a piece of cake.

You never know where a bomb is going to show up unexpectedly during your daily routine — on the seat of your car, in the health sauna, or on the kneeler in your booth during confession. The secret to dispatching the problem swiftly is to avoid letting the bomb knock you off your game and cause you to act timid. You must own the experience.

Bomb Type

First, take a quick look at what type of bomb you're dealing with. Does it look like a black bowling ball with a burning fuse? If so, it's a cartoon bomb, and there is nothing to fear. Just let it go off in your hand and respond with a bewildered, hangdog expression and blackface. (This comes off with soap and water.)

In most cases, though, the device will be a classic "time bomb." Federal regulations require that every time bomb include an explosive component, several wires of differing colors, and—since 1973—a clock indicating how much time remains before the explosion. (Thank God for Ralph Nader.) The clock will be either "analog" (a Latin word meaning "round") or "digital" (squarish). The wires will always be red, black, and white, unless they are blue, black, and white, or red, blue, and black or brown.

Take a close look at the components. If the device includes a plastic capsule containing liquid, it indicates a chemical detonator. If the wires pass through a battery that is separate from the clock, it suggests an electronic detonator. If the device has a switch on the surface that toggles between "AM" and "FM," you're an idiot.

Cutting the Wires
Do the wires lead to a lump of dull-colored, malleable material? If so, you may be facing some kind of plastic explosive. To check, take the Sunday comics and press them firmly against the substance. If the image transfers to the lump cleanly, the material is Silly Putty. Feel free to pocket it and pass it on to your children for hours of enjoyment. In most cases, the image will not transfer well, and you should be careful not to touch the material at all.

When it's time to cut one of the wires, just follow the old adage: In the case of red, black, and white, you should cut the red wire first, unless the black wire is intertwined with the white wire, in which case the red wire should be cut second. If the red is more of a maroon, you should cut it third; if it's a burgundy, you should cut it simultaneously with the white wire while the ring finger of your right hand is looped through the black wire. You could, of course, yank out all the wires at once, but that hardly seems sporting, and what would you have learned?

Employing the Robot

If you're one of those "early adapter" iPhone-loving technophiles, you probably carry one of the new bomb-disposal robots with you. These devices have interface software that lets you program them by speaking instructions into the built-in microphone. (Remember when bomb disposal required expertise in FORTRAN?) The technology in these gadgets still has some bugs, though — mainly seen in the robot's tendency to become frightened and cling to your leg. That's why it's best to first go around a corner away from the bomb. Then, in a calm voice, explain to the robot where the bomb is located, what type it appears to be, which wire(s) to cut, and where you will take the robot for ice cream afterward. When the robot walks off around the corner, run like hell.

Summoning Your Courage

Most likely, you don't own a robot and will have to handle the bomb yourself. It's important that you keep yourself calm so you are thinking clearly. Remember the few simple tips I laid out above, and make your movements slow and deliberate. It may be best to step away and take two or three deep breaths before you approach the bomb to...

Oh, for GOODNESS sake, stop being such a baby. It's just a damned bomb. Will you defuse it already and get it over with? You're such a sissy, I'm surprised your mommy let you out this morning. Do you want me to tie your shoes for you and take you to the potty? I'm amazed you even know how to breathe without someone telling you what to do.

Klingon Software

Klingon Software

• Specifications are for the weak and timid!!
• This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code.
• You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
• Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
• What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software escapes, leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake!
• Klingon function calls do not have "parameters" - they have "arguments"- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
• Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
• I have challenged the entire Quality Assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest! They will not concern us again.
• A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code.
• By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
• You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
• Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
• Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing". When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine.
• You humans call this thing a 'cursor' and you move it with 'mouse'! Bah! A Klingon would not use such a device. We have a Karaghht-Gnot - which is best translated as "An Aiming Daggar of 16x16 pixels" and we move it using a Gshnarrrf which is a creature from the Klingon homeworld which posesses just one, (disproportionately large) testicle... which it rubs along the ground... uh, do we really need to talk about this?
• Behold the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!
• Klingon programs don't do accountancy. For that, you need a Ferengi programmer.
• Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.

Stuff happens

• Taoism: Stuff happens.
• Confucianism: Confucius say, "stuff happens."
• Buddhism: If stuff happens, it isn't really stuff.
• Zen Buddhism: stuff is, and is not.
• Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of stuff happening?
• Hinduism: This stuff has happened before.
• Islam: If stuff happens, it is the will of Allah.
• Islam #2: If stuff happens, kill the person responsible.
• Islam #3: If stuff happens, blame Israel.
• Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserve it.
• Protestantism: Let stuff happen to someone else.
• Presbyterian: This stuff was bound to happen.
• Episcopalian: It's not so bad if stuff happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
• Methodist: It's not so bad if stuff happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
• Congregationalist: Stuff that happens to one person is just as good as stuff that happens to another.
• Unitarian: Stuff that happens to one person is just as bad as stuff that happens to another.
• Lutheran: If stuff happens, don't talk about it.
• Fundamentalism: If stuff happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
• Fundamentalism #2: If stuff happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
• Fundamentalism #3: Stuff must be born again.
• Judaism: Why does this stuff always happen to us?
• Calvinism: Stuff happens because you don't work.
• Seventh Day Adventism: No stuff shall happen on Saturday.
• Creationism: God made all stuff.
• Secular Humanism: Stuff evolves.
• Christian Science: When stuff happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
• Christian Science #2: stuff happening is all in your mind.
• Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this stuff.
• Quakers: Let us not fight over this stuff.
• Utopianism: This stuff does not stink.
• Darwinism: This stuff was once food.
• Capitalism: That's MY stuff.
• Communism: It's everybody's stuff.
• Feminism: Men are stuff.
• Chauvinism: We may be stuff, but you can't live without us...
• Commercialism: Let's package this stuff.
• Impressionism: From a distance, stuff looks like a garden.
• Idolism: Let's bronze this stuff.
• Existentialism: Stuff doesn't happen; stuff IS.
• Existentialism #2: What is stuff, anyway?
• Stoicism: This stuff is good for me.
• Hedonism: There is nothing like a good stuff happening!
• Mormonism: God sent us this stuff.
• Mormonism #2: This stuff is going to happen again.
• Wiccan: An it harm none, let stuff happen.
• Scientology: If stuff happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
• Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock<>
• Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our stuff?
• Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Stuff has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
• Moonies: Only really happy stuff happens.
• Hare Krishna: Stuff happens, rama rama.
• Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this stuff!
• Zoroastrianism: Stuff happens half on the time.
• Church of SubGenius: BoB stuffs.
• Practical: Deal with stuff one day at a time.
• Agnostic: Stuff might have happened; then again, maybe not.
• Agnostic #2: What is this stuff?
• Satanism: SNEPPAH FFUTS.
• Atheism: What stuff?
• Atheism #2: I can't believe this stuff!
• Nihilism: No stuff.