Klingon Software

Klingon Software

• Specifications are for the weak and timid!!
• This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code.
• You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
• Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
• What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software escapes, leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake!
• Klingon function calls do not have "parameters" - they have "arguments"- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
• Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
• I have challenged the entire Quality Assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest! They will not concern us again.
• A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code.
• By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
• You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
• Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
• Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing". When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine.
• You humans call this thing a 'cursor' and you move it with 'mouse'! Bah! A Klingon would not use such a device. We have a Karaghht-Gnot - which is best translated as "An Aiming Daggar of 16x16 pixels" and we move it using a Gshnarrrf which is a creature from the Klingon homeworld which posesses just one, (disproportionately large) testicle... which it rubs along the ground... uh, do we really need to talk about this?
• Behold the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!
• Klingon programs don't do accountancy. For that, you need a Ferengi programmer.
• Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.

Stuff happens

• Taoism: Stuff happens.
• Confucianism: Confucius say, "stuff happens."
• Buddhism: If stuff happens, it isn't really stuff.
• Zen Buddhism: stuff is, and is not.
• Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of stuff happening?
• Hinduism: This stuff has happened before.
• Islam: If stuff happens, it is the will of Allah.
• Islam #2: If stuff happens, kill the person responsible.
• Islam #3: If stuff happens, blame Israel.
• Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserve it.
• Protestantism: Let stuff happen to someone else.
• Presbyterian: This stuff was bound to happen.
• Episcopalian: It's not so bad if stuff happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
• Methodist: It's not so bad if stuff happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
• Congregationalist: Stuff that happens to one person is just as good as stuff that happens to another.
• Unitarian: Stuff that happens to one person is just as bad as stuff that happens to another.
• Lutheran: If stuff happens, don't talk about it.
• Fundamentalism: If stuff happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
• Fundamentalism #2: If stuff happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
• Fundamentalism #3: Stuff must be born again.
• Judaism: Why does this stuff always happen to us?
• Calvinism: Stuff happens because you don't work.
• Seventh Day Adventism: No stuff shall happen on Saturday.
• Creationism: God made all stuff.
• Secular Humanism: Stuff evolves.
• Christian Science: When stuff happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
• Christian Science #2: stuff happening is all in your mind.
• Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this stuff.
• Quakers: Let us not fight over this stuff.
• Utopianism: This stuff does not stink.
• Darwinism: This stuff was once food.
• Capitalism: That's MY stuff.
• Communism: It's everybody's stuff.
• Feminism: Men are stuff.
• Chauvinism: We may be stuff, but you can't live without us...
• Commercialism: Let's package this stuff.
• Impressionism: From a distance, stuff looks like a garden.
• Idolism: Let's bronze this stuff.
• Existentialism: Stuff doesn't happen; stuff IS.
• Existentialism #2: What is stuff, anyway?
• Stoicism: This stuff is good for me.
• Hedonism: There is nothing like a good stuff happening!
• Mormonism: God sent us this stuff.
• Mormonism #2: This stuff is going to happen again.
• Wiccan: An it harm none, let stuff happen.
• Scientology: If stuff happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
• Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock<>
• Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our stuff?
• Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Stuff has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
• Moonies: Only really happy stuff happens.
• Hare Krishna: Stuff happens, rama rama.
• Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this stuff!
• Zoroastrianism: Stuff happens half on the time.
• Church of SubGenius: BoB stuffs.
• Practical: Deal with stuff one day at a time.
• Agnostic: Stuff might have happened; then again, maybe not.
• Agnostic #2: What is this stuff?
• Satanism: SNEPPAH FFUTS.
• Atheism: What stuff?
• Atheism #2: I can't believe this stuff!
• Nihilism: No stuff.