An old Jew is sitting on a bench in Gorky Park studying a "Teach Yourself Hebrew" book. A KGB officer sits by him and demands to know what he is doing.
"I am learning the language of Heaven", he replies.
"Huh", says the KGB officer, "you should be learning the language of the OTHER place!"
The old man replies, "Actually, my son, I can already speak Russian."
09 July 2010
The Library Chicken joke
A chicken walked into a library, went up to a librarian and said "Book! Book!" So the librarian handed the chicken a book. It put it under a wing and walked out.
A few minutes later, it returned, dropped the book it had been given and said "Book! Book!" So the librarian gave it another one and it left, only to return soon seemingly to demand a different book.
This time, tbe librarian followed the chicken out of the library. It went round the corner to a pond, where it showed the book to a frog, which promptly said "Reddit! Reddit!"
A few minutes later, it returned, dropped the book it had been given and said "Book! Book!" So the librarian gave it another one and it left, only to return soon seemingly to demand a different book.
This time, tbe librarian followed the chicken out of the library. It went round the corner to a pond, where it showed the book to a frog, which promptly said "Reddit! Reddit!"
The boy who missed a day at school joke
A liitle boy in class is asked by his teacher why he was absent from school the day before.
"Sorry, Miss, I had to stay at home because my Dad got burnt."
The teacher puts her hand over her mouth and says, "Oh dear, Johnny, how awful - not badly, I hope?"
And Johnny replies, "Well, Miss, they don't mess about at the crematorium!"
"Sorry, Miss, I had to stay at home because my Dad got burnt."
The teacher puts her hand over her mouth and says, "Oh dear, Johnny, how awful - not badly, I hope?"
And Johnny replies, "Well, Miss, they don't mess about at the crematorium!"
28 June 2010
BOMB DISPOSAL: A PRIMER - by Jim Stallard
A lot of people get intimidated when they have to defuse a bomb, but there's no reason it can't be a satisfying encounter. Just remind yourself that human beings have been defusing bombs for a long time, mostly with success, and there's nothing magical or supernatural about the bomb in front of you. I remember being scared to death the first time I had to tie a bow tie, and it turned out to be a piece of cake.
You never know where a bomb is going to show up unexpectedly during your daily routine — on the seat of your car, in the health sauna, or on the kneeler in your booth during confession. The secret to dispatching the problem swiftly is to avoid letting the bomb knock you off your game and cause you to act timid. You must own the experience.
Bomb Type
First, take a quick look at what type of bomb you're dealing with. Does it look like a black bowling ball with a burning fuse? If so, it's a cartoon bomb, and there is nothing to fear. Just let it go off in your hand and respond with a bewildered, hangdog expression and blackface. (This comes off with soap and water.)
In most cases, though, the device will be a classic "time bomb." Federal regulations require that every time bomb include an explosive component, several wires of differing colors, and—since 1973—a clock indicating how much time remains before the explosion. (Thank God for Ralph Nader.) The clock will be either "analog" (a Latin word meaning "round") or "digital" (squarish). The wires will always be red, black, and white, unless they are blue, black, and white, or red, blue, and black or brown.
Take a close look at the components. If the device includes a plastic capsule containing liquid, it indicates a chemical detonator. If the wires pass through a battery that is separate from the clock, it suggests an electronic detonator. If the device has a switch on the surface that toggles between "AM" and "FM," you're an idiot.
Cutting the Wires
Do the wires lead to a lump of dull-colored, malleable material? If so, you may be facing some kind of plastic explosive. To check, take the Sunday comics and press them firmly against the substance. If the image transfers to the lump cleanly, the material is Silly Putty. Feel free to pocket it and pass it on to your children for hours of enjoyment. In most cases, the image will not transfer well, and you should be careful not to touch the material at all.
When it's time to cut one of the wires, just follow the old adage: In the case of red, black, and white, you should cut the red wire first, unless the black wire is intertwined with the white wire, in which case the red wire should be cut second. If the red is more of a maroon, you should cut it third; if it's a burgundy, you should cut it simultaneously with the white wire while the ring finger of your right hand is looped through the black wire. You could, of course, yank out all the wires at once, but that hardly seems sporting, and what would you have learned?
Employing the Robot
If you're one of those "early adapter" iPhone-loving technophiles, you probably carry one of the new bomb-disposal robots with you. These devices have interface software that lets you program them by speaking instructions into the built-in microphone. (Remember when bomb disposal required expertise in FORTRAN?) The technology in these gadgets still has some bugs, though — mainly seen in the robot's tendency to become frightened and cling to your leg. That's why it's best to first go around a corner away from the bomb. Then, in a calm voice, explain to the robot where the bomb is located, what type it appears to be, which wire(s) to cut, and where you will take the robot for ice cream afterward. When the robot walks off around the corner, run like hell.
Summoning Your Courage
Most likely, you don't own a robot and will have to handle the bomb yourself. It's important that you keep yourself calm so you are thinking clearly. Remember the few simple tips I laid out above, and make your movements slow and deliberate. It may be best to step away and take two or three deep breaths before you approach the bomb to...
Oh, for GOODNESS sake, stop being such a baby. It's just a damned bomb. Will you defuse it already and get it over with? You're such a sissy, I'm surprised your mommy let you out this morning. Do you want me to tie your shoes for you and take you to the potty? I'm amazed you even know how to breathe without someone telling you what to do.
A lot of people get intimidated when they have to defuse a bomb, but there's no reason it can't be a satisfying encounter. Just remind yourself that human beings have been defusing bombs for a long time, mostly with success, and there's nothing magical or supernatural about the bomb in front of you. I remember being scared to death the first time I had to tie a bow tie, and it turned out to be a piece of cake.
You never know where a bomb is going to show up unexpectedly during your daily routine — on the seat of your car, in the health sauna, or on the kneeler in your booth during confession. The secret to dispatching the problem swiftly is to avoid letting the bomb knock you off your game and cause you to act timid. You must own the experience.
Bomb Type
First, take a quick look at what type of bomb you're dealing with. Does it look like a black bowling ball with a burning fuse? If so, it's a cartoon bomb, and there is nothing to fear. Just let it go off in your hand and respond with a bewildered, hangdog expression and blackface. (This comes off with soap and water.)
In most cases, though, the device will be a classic "time bomb." Federal regulations require that every time bomb include an explosive component, several wires of differing colors, and—since 1973—a clock indicating how much time remains before the explosion. (Thank God for Ralph Nader.) The clock will be either "analog" (a Latin word meaning "round") or "digital" (squarish). The wires will always be red, black, and white, unless they are blue, black, and white, or red, blue, and black or brown.
Take a close look at the components. If the device includes a plastic capsule containing liquid, it indicates a chemical detonator. If the wires pass through a battery that is separate from the clock, it suggests an electronic detonator. If the device has a switch on the surface that toggles between "AM" and "FM," you're an idiot.
Cutting the Wires
Do the wires lead to a lump of dull-colored, malleable material? If so, you may be facing some kind of plastic explosive. To check, take the Sunday comics and press them firmly against the substance. If the image transfers to the lump cleanly, the material is Silly Putty. Feel free to pocket it and pass it on to your children for hours of enjoyment. In most cases, the image will not transfer well, and you should be careful not to touch the material at all.
When it's time to cut one of the wires, just follow the old adage: In the case of red, black, and white, you should cut the red wire first, unless the black wire is intertwined with the white wire, in which case the red wire should be cut second. If the red is more of a maroon, you should cut it third; if it's a burgundy, you should cut it simultaneously with the white wire while the ring finger of your right hand is looped through the black wire. You could, of course, yank out all the wires at once, but that hardly seems sporting, and what would you have learned?
Employing the Robot
If you're one of those "early adapter" iPhone-loving technophiles, you probably carry one of the new bomb-disposal robots with you. These devices have interface software that lets you program them by speaking instructions into the built-in microphone. (Remember when bomb disposal required expertise in FORTRAN?) The technology in these gadgets still has some bugs, though — mainly seen in the robot's tendency to become frightened and cling to your leg. That's why it's best to first go around a corner away from the bomb. Then, in a calm voice, explain to the robot where the bomb is located, what type it appears to be, which wire(s) to cut, and where you will take the robot for ice cream afterward. When the robot walks off around the corner, run like hell.
Summoning Your Courage
Most likely, you don't own a robot and will have to handle the bomb yourself. It's important that you keep yourself calm so you are thinking clearly. Remember the few simple tips I laid out above, and make your movements slow and deliberate. It may be best to step away and take two or three deep breaths before you approach the bomb to...
Oh, for GOODNESS sake, stop being such a baby. It's just a damned bomb. Will you defuse it already and get it over with? You're such a sissy, I'm surprised your mommy let you out this morning. Do you want me to tie your shoes for you and take you to the potty? I'm amazed you even know how to breathe without someone telling you what to do.
13 May 2010
Klingon Software
Klingon Software
- Specifications are for the weak and timid!!
- This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code.
- You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
- Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
- What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software escapes, leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake!
- Klingon function calls do not have "parameters" - they have "arguments"- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
- Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
- I have challenged the entire Quality Assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest! They will not concern us again.
- A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code.
- By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
- You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
- Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
- Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing". When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine.
- You humans call this thing a 'cursor' and you move it with 'mouse'! Bah! A Klingon would not use such a device. We have a Karaghht-Gnot - which is best translated as "An Aiming Daggar of 16x16 pixels" and we move it using a Gshnarrrf which is a creature from the Klingon homeworld which posesses just one, (disproportionately large) testicle... which it rubs along the ground... uh, do we really need to talk about this?
- Behold the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!
- Klingon programs don't do accountancy. For that, you need a Ferengi programmer.
- Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
Stuff happens
- Taoism: Stuff happens.
- Confucianism: Confucius say, "stuff happens."
- Buddhism: If stuff happens, it isn't really stuff.
- Zen Buddhism: stuff is, and is not.
- Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of stuff happening?
- Hinduism: This stuff has happened before.
- Islam: If stuff happens, it is the will of Allah.
- Islam #2: If stuff happens, kill the person responsible.
- Islam #3: If stuff happens, blame Israel.
- Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserve it.
- Protestantism: Let stuff happen to someone else.
- Presbyterian: This stuff was bound to happen.
- Episcopalian: It's not so bad if stuff happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
- Methodist: It's not so bad if stuff happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
- Congregationalist: Stuff that happens to one person is just as good as stuff that happens to another.
- Unitarian: Stuff that happens to one person is just as bad as stuff that happens to another.
- Lutheran: If stuff happens, don't talk about it.
- Fundamentalism: If stuff happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
- Fundamentalism #2: If stuff happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
- Fundamentalism #3: Stuff must be born again.
- Judaism: Why does this stuff always happen to us?
- Calvinism: Stuff happens because you don't work.
- Seventh Day Adventism: No stuff shall happen on Saturday.
- Creationism: God made all stuff.
- Secular Humanism: Stuff evolves.
- Christian Science: When stuff happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
- Christian Science #2: stuff happening is all in your mind.
- Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this stuff.
- Quakers: Let us not fight over this stuff.
- Utopianism: This stuff does not stink.
- Darwinism: This stuff was once food.
- Capitalism: That's MY stuff.
- Communism: It's everybody's stuff.
- Feminism: Men are stuff.
- Chauvinism: We may be stuff, but you can't live without us...
- Commercialism: Let's package this stuff.
- Impressionism: From a distance, stuff looks like a garden.
- Idolism: Let's bronze this stuff.
- Existentialism: Stuff doesn't happen; stuff IS.
- Existentialism #2: What is stuff, anyway?
- Stoicism: This stuff is good for me.
- Hedonism: There is nothing like a good stuff happening!
- Mormonism: God sent us this stuff.
- Mormonism #2: This stuff is going to happen again.
- Wiccan: An it harm none, let stuff happen.
- Scientology: If stuff happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
- Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock<>
- Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our stuff?
- Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Stuff has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
- Moonies: Only really happy stuff happens.
- Hare Krishna: Stuff happens, rama rama.
- Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this stuff!
- Zoroastrianism: Stuff happens half on the time.
- Church of SubGenius: BoB stuffs.
- Practical: Deal with stuff one day at a time.
- Agnostic: Stuff might have happened; then again, maybe not.
- Agnostic #2: What is this stuff?
- Satanism: SNEPPAH FFUTS.
- Atheism: What stuff?
- Atheism #2: I can't believe this stuff!
- Nihilism: No stuff.
09 August 2009
Fantasy or Reality
Our congregation today had a public lecture given by a traveling overseer, Brother Anibaba, standing in for our normal Circuit Overseer. His theme was to do with comparing fantasies with realities.
He made several points about the danger of relying upon fantasies to cope with daily life, but one thing he said really stood out to me. About whether our hope is a fantasy or a reality.
If you read Matthew 24:14, Jesus Christ stated that the Good News would be preached in every nation before the end comes. Now, in 33CE, how realistic would it have been to expect that everyone in the world WOULD hear the message? If you had a copy of the Yearbook of 33CE, what would have been the worldwide report?
Number of countries preached in? One
Number of publishers? 12
Number of memorial partakers? 12
Ratio of publishers to population? Too hard to calculate!
So was it a fantasy to think that the message would be preached worldwide? NO.
Look at the success of those following this preaching commission nowadays. JESUS PROPHECY HAS BECOME A REALITY. The Good News is preached in hundreds of countries, in hundreds of languages by millions of people. Far from being a fantasy, Jesus was simply stating what WOULD happen!
How many other prophecies of his are coming true and will come true? The Kingdom hope is a reality, something we can depend upon.
What an incredibly upbuilding thought from a scripture that I have read dozens of times. I am so grateful to Jehovah for this encouragement!
He made several points about the danger of relying upon fantasies to cope with daily life, but one thing he said really stood out to me. About whether our hope is a fantasy or a reality.
If you read Matthew 24:14, Jesus Christ stated that the Good News would be preached in every nation before the end comes. Now, in 33CE, how realistic would it have been to expect that everyone in the world WOULD hear the message? If you had a copy of the Yearbook of 33CE, what would have been the worldwide report?
Number of countries preached in? One
Number of publishers? 12
Number of memorial partakers? 12
Ratio of publishers to population? Too hard to calculate!
So was it a fantasy to think that the message would be preached worldwide? NO.
Look at the success of those following this preaching commission nowadays. JESUS PROPHECY HAS BECOME A REALITY. The Good News is preached in hundreds of countries, in hundreds of languages by millions of people. Far from being a fantasy, Jesus was simply stating what WOULD happen!
How many other prophecies of his are coming true and will come true? The Kingdom hope is a reality, something we can depend upon.
What an incredibly upbuilding thought from a scripture that I have read dozens of times. I am so grateful to Jehovah for this encouragement!
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