A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Traffic Cop: "Yes, ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding."
Older Woman: "Oh, I see."
Traffic Cop: "Can I see your license, please?"
Older Woman: "Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one."
Traffic Cop: "Don't have one?"
Older Woman: "No. I lost it four years ago for drunk driving."
Traffic Cop: "I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"
Older Woman: "I can't do that."
Traffic Cop: "Why not?"
Older Woman: "I stole this car."
Traffic Cop: "Stole it?"
Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Traffic Cop: "You what!?"
Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see!"
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back-up. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!"
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: "Is there a problem, sir?"
Officer 2: "My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: "Murdered the owner? Are you serious?"
Officer 2: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."
The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!"
Older Woman: "Bet the lying so-and-so told you I was speeding, too!"
31 December 2010
Jacob and Rebecca
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding list."
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding list."
03 December 2010
Terrible, I mean terrible poetry
There was a young man from Japan
Whose poetry never would scan.
His friends told him so
And he said, "Yes, I know
But I always try to put as many words in the last line as I possibly can."
Whose poetry never would scan.
His friends told him so
And he said, "Yes, I know
But I always try to put as many words in the last line as I possibly can."
13 November 2010
11 November 2010
Word Of The Day - Archive
These are a selection of my words of the day - real words with NEW meanings that I have invented and posted on Twitter daily.
BLASTOCYSTIS - use of explosives to destroy tiny parasites, (bit of overkill actually).
RSPB - what you write on party invitations when you want a reply by carrier pigeon.
CORDON BLEU - a French road block
INDULGENT - "When I stabbed that boring man, my knife was indulgent".
PROGNOSTICATE - to guess what's coming up on TV.
DECREPIT - to remove a very old French pancake.
CULTURE - bacteria in a petri dish with an appreciation of fine arts and books.
CLANDESTINE - the secret fate of a Scottish family.
NEONATAL - the name of the hero in a South African remake of The Matrix.
FRANTIC - the mark a teacher makes when having to check homework hurriedly.
EUREKA - telling your neighbour he has body odour (from The Beano 1952).
SABBATICAL - a year of Sundays.
STEWARD - complicated casserole recipe.
ARKANSAS - woodworking tool used by Noah and his sons.
CONTENT - deception that going camping is a good idea.
SHOWER - From olde English myths. When the sky god wanted to impress the earth god, he would say "I will show her".
SUPPURATE - Having eaten dinner.
SERF - someone who's enslaved by the Internet.
ICONOCLAST - the name of the final Apple Store opened in Conoc, Peru (see iConocFirst).
DIODE - Welsh loan shark.
iCHING - a type of cash register made by Apple.
TITTLE - a job description that makes you laugh, such as calling a receptionist "The Welcome".
SUBAUDITION (this is a real word!!!) - Applying to be on the underwater version of Britain's Got Talent.
RUBRIC - a procedure for solving that annoying coloured cube problem.
DEGRADE - giving a student a score between C and E.
VELOCIRAPTOR - a particularly mean-looking Italian scooter.
CONDIMENT - a trick explained by a Welshman.
FORESOOTH - olde English expression for those occasions when threesooth just weren't enough.
INHIBITION - an exhibition held behind closed doors.
BEARD - from an old pirate phrase to new recruits "Be 'ard, grow some 'air on yer face!"
LUPIN - a plant the seeds of which turn people into wolves (see LUPINE).
AMBULATORY - being walked to hospital.
WHINE - what you do if you find your bottle of Zinfandel is corked.
CULT - a young horse that has joined a strange religion. See also OCCULT - Irish version.
PIQUANT - what you need if you want 3.1416 of something.
TARE - the weight of all the oil deposited on the coast of the Gulf of Mexico.
VAPID - Very rapid, or flat out.
MORGANATIC - someone who is really, REALLY, keen on cars made by a minor British company.
REMORSE - sending a coded message of regret again.
KOAN - what is the sound of one hand... making a 3D geometric shape?
PANACHE - the pain you feel when your flamboyant cooking goes wrong.
RHAPSODIZE - ya know what I'm saying when you look at the earth/You want to enthoose over what it's worth/C'MON!!!
HETEROGENEOUS - male and female geneous (as opposed to homogeneous).
Spanish #wotd SENOR : a retired gentleman.
Italian #wotd : PORTFOLIO - a Mediterranean dockyard used for the export of leather briefcases.
POST-MORTEM - A new Fed-Ex delivery service for funeral parlors.
PENINSULA - a very isolated writing implement.
DINOSAUR - a special steak knife for cutting up REALLY old meat.
TARRY - a verb used to describe the slow dispersal of oil in the Gulf of Mexico.
DECIDUOUS - trees that made a choice to shed their leaves annually.
HAPTICS - the marks your schoolteacher put on your essay about a Thomas Hardy sonnet.
DOGGEREL - (bad) poetry written by Lassie when she embarked on a new post-rescue career.
BUXOM - Old English word for a chest that can be worth a lot in certain circumstances.
CONVENTION - the tradition amongst nuns to ignore immoral men.
OBESE - a combination of "obey" and "ease", it denotes how easy it is to do what food adverts suggest: eat, eat, eat.
BIFURCATE - purchasing a coat for a pet Sphynx.
BUSTICATE (real word!) Eating until you explode.
BEHEMOTH - this is one HUGE moth you wouldn't want to attract with a night light. Big as a hippopotamus (Job 40:15)
INCEPTION - The planning process for a new pub.
French #wotd BEAUCOUP - how the Normans described the overthrow of King Harold by archers.
ANGIOPLASTY - cosmetic surgery for one of the stars of Eastenders.
SENTIENCE - the ability to put a group of words together so that they are intelligible.
MANIFESTO - Italian word, when a horse's mane and tail are decorated for a saint's day.
IMPEDIMENTA - the name of a character in the #dconv Bible drama who's bags were always getting in the way
DISCUSSION - a debate about music.
BLAZER - a jacket that is susceptible to bursting into flames spontaneously.
CONSCIENCE - faked results from experimentation.
PALLADIAN - of Greek origin, translates as "He ain't heavy, he's my brother" .
SWEATER - someone who insists on wearing a jumper on the London Tube in summer.
SHENANIGANS - female nanigans, particularly devious ones.
INVENTORY : a ficticious list of stock in a warehouse.
BLASTOCYSTIS - use of explosives to destroy tiny parasites, (bit of overkill actually).
RSPB - what you write on party invitations when you want a reply by carrier pigeon.
CORDON BLEU - a French road block
INDULGENT - "When I stabbed that boring man, my knife was indulgent".
PROGNOSTICATE - to guess what's coming up on TV.
DECREPIT - to remove a very old French pancake.
CULTURE - bacteria in a petri dish with an appreciation of fine arts and books.
CLANDESTINE - the secret fate of a Scottish family.
NEONATAL - the name of the hero in a South African remake of The Matrix.
FRANTIC - the mark a teacher makes when having to check homework hurriedly.
EUREKA - telling your neighbour he has body odour (from The Beano 1952).
SABBATICAL - a year of Sundays.
STEWARD - complicated casserole recipe.
ARKANSAS - woodworking tool used by Noah and his sons.
CONTENT - deception that going camping is a good idea.
SHOWER - From olde English myths. When the sky god wanted to impress the earth god, he would say "I will show her".
SUPPURATE - Having eaten dinner.
SERF - someone who's enslaved by the Internet.
ICONOCLAST - the name of the final Apple Store opened in Conoc, Peru (see iConocFirst).
DIODE - Welsh loan shark.
iCHING - a type of cash register made by Apple.
TITTLE - a job description that makes you laugh, such as calling a receptionist "The Welcome".
SUBAUDITION (this is a real word!!!) - Applying to be on the underwater version of Britain's Got Talent.
RUBRIC - a procedure for solving that annoying coloured cube problem.
DEGRADE - giving a student a score between C and E.
VELOCIRAPTOR - a particularly mean-looking Italian scooter.
CONDIMENT - a trick explained by a Welshman.
FORESOOTH - olde English expression for those occasions when threesooth just weren't enough.
INHIBITION - an exhibition held behind closed doors.
BEARD - from an old pirate phrase to new recruits "Be 'ard, grow some 'air on yer face!"
LUPIN - a plant the seeds of which turn people into wolves (see LUPINE).
AMBULATORY - being walked to hospital.
WHINE - what you do if you find your bottle of Zinfandel is corked.
CULT - a young horse that has joined a strange religion. See also OCCULT - Irish version.
PIQUANT - what you need if you want 3.1416 of something.
TARE - the weight of all the oil deposited on the coast of the Gulf of Mexico.
VAPID - Very rapid, or flat out.
MORGANATIC - someone who is really, REALLY, keen on cars made by a minor British company.
REMORSE - sending a coded message of regret again.
KOAN - what is the sound of one hand... making a 3D geometric shape?
PANACHE - the pain you feel when your flamboyant cooking goes wrong.
RHAPSODIZE - ya know what I'm saying when you look at the earth/You want to enthoose over what it's worth/C'MON!!!
HETEROGENEOUS - male and female geneous (as opposed to homogeneous).
Spanish #wotd SENOR : a retired gentleman.
Italian #wotd : PORTFOLIO - a Mediterranean dockyard used for the export of leather briefcases.
POST-MORTEM - A new Fed-Ex delivery service for funeral parlors.
PENINSULA - a very isolated writing implement.
DINOSAUR - a special steak knife for cutting up REALLY old meat.
TARRY - a verb used to describe the slow dispersal of oil in the Gulf of Mexico.
DECIDUOUS - trees that made a choice to shed their leaves annually.
HAPTICS - the marks your schoolteacher put on your essay about a Thomas Hardy sonnet.
DOGGEREL - (bad) poetry written by Lassie when she embarked on a new post-rescue career.
BUXOM - Old English word for a chest that can be worth a lot in certain circumstances.
CONVENTION - the tradition amongst nuns to ignore immoral men.
OBESE - a combination of "obey" and "ease", it denotes how easy it is to do what food adverts suggest: eat, eat, eat.
BIFURCATE - purchasing a coat for a pet Sphynx.
BUSTICATE (real word!) Eating until you explode.
BEHEMOTH - this is one HUGE moth you wouldn't want to attract with a night light. Big as a hippopotamus (Job 40:15)
INCEPTION - The planning process for a new pub.
French #wotd BEAUCOUP - how the Normans described the overthrow of King Harold by archers.
ANGIOPLASTY - cosmetic surgery for one of the stars of Eastenders.
SENTIENCE - the ability to put a group of words together so that they are intelligible.
MANIFESTO - Italian word, when a horse's mane and tail are decorated for a saint's day.
IMPEDIMENTA - the name of a character in the #dconv Bible drama who's bags were always getting in the way
DISCUSSION - a debate about music.
BLAZER - a jacket that is susceptible to bursting into flames spontaneously.
CONSCIENCE - faked results from experimentation.
PALLADIAN - of Greek origin, translates as "He ain't heavy, he's my brother" .
SWEATER - someone who insists on wearing a jumper on the London Tube in summer.
SHENANIGANS - female nanigans, particularly devious ones.
INVENTORY : a ficticious list of stock in a warehouse.
25 August 2010
Edinburgh Fringe One-liners
The top 10 festival funnies for 2010 were judged to be:
Tim Vine: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
David Gibson: "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
Emo Philips: "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
Jack Whitehall: "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
Gary Delaney: "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
John Bishop: "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
Bo Burnham: "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
Gary Delaney: "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
Robert White: "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."
Gareth Richards: "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
-------------
Judges also selected some of the worst jokes of 2010's Fringe, which included:
Sara Pascoe: "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Sean Hughes: "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"
John Luke Roberts: "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."
Emo Phillips: "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Bec Hill: "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."
Dan Antopolski: "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."
And that after Dan Antopolski was the 2009 winner with: "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
More on this at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202
-----------
And now some from 2009:
Paddy Lennox: "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'"
Jack Whitehall: "I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending."
Marcus Brigstocke: "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"
Rhod Gilbert: "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble".
Dan Antopolski: "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."
Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) : "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."
Tom Wrigglesworth: "I'm on the cusp of getting married. Well, I'm engaged to be harassed."
Edward Aczel: "Machiavelli said, 'It is better to be feared than to be loved, if you cannot be both.' Something to bear in mind when you embark on internet dating."
Phil Nichol: "A lot of people say I'm egocentric – but enough about them."
Stephen Carlin: "There are so many 'failed train' announcements at stations these days. It's not rolling stock, it's laughing stock."
Celia Pacquola: "My mind is like a cement mixer. It's grey, thick and always moving."
Rhys Darby: "I don't believe in guns. Literally; I don't believe they exist."
Frank Woodley: "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."
Glenn Wool: "I wonder what would happen if Franz Ferdinand were assassinated?"
Stephen Grant: "I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven. Had to get an even-man in to finish it off."
Richard Herring: "Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent."
David O'Doherty: "I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be: "Thou shalt not covet they neighbour's ox, except in Scrabble".
Jimeoin: "Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was fantastic."
Tim Vine: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
David Gibson: "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
Emo Philips: "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
Jack Whitehall: "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
Gary Delaney: "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
John Bishop: "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
Bo Burnham: "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
Gary Delaney: "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
Robert White: "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."
Gareth Richards: "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
-------------
Judges also selected some of the worst jokes of 2010's Fringe, which included:
Sara Pascoe: "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Sean Hughes: "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"
John Luke Roberts: "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."
Emo Phillips: "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Bec Hill: "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."
Dan Antopolski: "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."
And that after Dan Antopolski was the 2009 winner with: "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
More on this at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202
-----------
And now some from 2009:
Paddy Lennox: "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'"
Jack Whitehall: "I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending."
Marcus Brigstocke: "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"
Rhod Gilbert: "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble".
Dan Antopolski: "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."
Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) : "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."
Tom Wrigglesworth: "I'm on the cusp of getting married. Well, I'm engaged to be harassed."
Edward Aczel: "Machiavelli said, 'It is better to be feared than to be loved, if you cannot be both.' Something to bear in mind when you embark on internet dating."
Phil Nichol: "A lot of people say I'm egocentric – but enough about them."
Stephen Carlin: "There are so many 'failed train' announcements at stations these days. It's not rolling stock, it's laughing stock."
Celia Pacquola: "My mind is like a cement mixer. It's grey, thick and always moving."
Rhys Darby: "I don't believe in guns. Literally; I don't believe they exist."
Frank Woodley: "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."
Glenn Wool: "I wonder what would happen if Franz Ferdinand were assassinated?"
Stephen Grant: "I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven. Had to get an even-man in to finish it off."
Richard Herring: "Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent."
David O'Doherty: "I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be: "Thou shalt not covet they neighbour's ox, except in Scrabble".
Jimeoin: "Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was fantastic."
01 August 2010
Using several Twitter accounts
A thought about your Twitter "audience". When you tweet, it's a good idea to think who you are writing to. Do you use Twitter to share all your thoughts with whoever might listen? What about being more precise? Can you be? Should you be?
For example, if you are a JW, and you want to tweet a witness to non-JWs, you may write a tweet referring followers to a specific page on watchtower.org, such as "What is the Bible's view of Death?". However, fellow JWs may well already know this information. So, if most of your followers are brothers, they might want to hear something about how well you got on in the ministry instead.
There is a way to write tweets for both witnessesing AND for fellow JWs. Have two separate Twitter accounts. This is allowed, it doesn't break any rules!
You could have one account for witnessing-type tweets and you would try and get followers from non-JWs.
You could have a second account which you use for exchanging news, encouragement, etc., with JWs and you wouldn't witness using this account.
How can you manage this form of tweeting? Well, a lot of Twitter helper software will easily support multiple accounts, with THIS SORT OF USE in mind. I personally use Tweetdeck to manage several Twitter accounts, including some for business use. There are numerous software tools that can do the same, and an internet search will soon give you a list to work with until you find one you like the most.
So, onward and upwards! Enjoy tweeting, and remember your "audience".
For example, if you are a JW, and you want to tweet a witness to non-JWs, you may write a tweet referring followers to a specific page on watchtower.org, such as "What is the Bible's view of Death?". However, fellow JWs may well already know this information. So, if most of your followers are brothers, they might want to hear something about how well you got on in the ministry instead.
There is a way to write tweets for both witnessesing AND for fellow JWs. Have two separate Twitter accounts. This is allowed, it doesn't break any rules!
You could have one account for witnessing-type tweets and you would try and get followers from non-JWs.
You could have a second account which you use for exchanging news, encouragement, etc., with JWs and you wouldn't witness using this account.
How can you manage this form of tweeting? Well, a lot of Twitter helper software will easily support multiple accounts, with THIS SORT OF USE in mind. I personally use Tweetdeck to manage several Twitter accounts, including some for business use. There are numerous software tools that can do the same, and an internet search will soon give you a list to work with until you find one you like the most.
So, onward and upwards! Enjoy tweeting, and remember your "audience".
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